Together but Apart

I just read a really interesting article today about a woman who is married to a man, but they live in separate apartments in NYC.

I have ALWAYS thought that if I were to ever get married some day, I would really quite like it if my husband and I could live in separate bedrooms. Even though that is the biggest sign to the outside world that that is a marriage on the rocks, I think it is a pretty darn nifty idea. That way you each can have your personal space and privacy, and it would seem like you were dating your spouse! The magic of seeing a beautiful woman all dressed up is that much diminished if the man had already seen her through the stages of putting on her make-up and stockings. Of course many many people would beg to differ, and might laud the intimacy of sharing your bedroom and bed with someone, but really, the thought of being able to maintain my private space, while still being able to be in a marriage is so attractive to me.

If you think about it, so much of the strife and quarrels in a marriage must come about because two different people are now living in such close and intimate proximity to one another. Having a roommate is already hard enough as it is. And that is with separate bedrooms. I find it a real struggle to come around to the idea of not only having to share an apartment with someone, but my own ROOM. When would I EVER have any privacy? Can people really love someone SO much that they want to share every waking, non-working moment with that person? After a long day at work, I love being able to come home to my Manhattan apartment, as small and cosy as it is, and curl up on the couch and watch an episode (or 4, since it is hard to stop at just one) of Friends, read a book in bed, enjoying the peace and quiet. Yes, I also imagine it might be really nice to have someone there in the living room to talk through my day, and then curl up against at night. Yet, when people ask about whether I would cohabitate with a guy before marriage, my immediate thought is "Why cramp my style before I absolutely have to?" It is as though to me, living with someone is the sacrifice I would have to make in order to get married. Rather than I am getting married in order so that I can live with someone for the rest of my life. I just don't see "moving in together" as the big exciting thing it is as portrayed to be on tv. I like having my own space, being able to do as I please in my home, to be as messy as I want to be and not have to worry about what the other person might think. And I do also wonder if there is any guy who could live with my messy habits. Although men in general are messier then women, given the law of opposites attracting, of course almost every guy I have ever dated has been neater than me. And even if I were to marry a messy type - that would be positively disastrous! It will be two messes combined into an even greater pile of monstrous mess! I can live with my own mess, but not that of another's. So if bedrooms were separate, at least we could keep some of our mess entirely separate from the other's.

Living in wholy separate apartments would probably not be ideal though. First of all it probably doesn't make much economic sense to have to maintain two living residences, and it's so much easier to have your husband fix things around the house when he's living right there, to enjoy a home-cooked meal together, and to talk about your day over coffee or wine at night when you are both under the same roof. If we lived apart, then it would REALLY be just like you were dating your husband rather than that you are married. In which case, why not just keep on dating? (unless for the sake of giving your children legitimacy in the eyes of the law and society) I therefore think the separate bedrooms idea is the perfect compromise for two people who love each other, yet still want to maintain their individual autonomy, which I have always thought to be really important in a relationship. But that's me, very protective of my individual sense of identity and personal space. Not everyone is so vigilant about that, so to each their own. Oh, and separate bedrooms would just do away with the whole problem of snoring. And mattress choices (some like it hard, some like it soft). And if two people's taste has to be accomodated in living together, hey, at least I get to do one room entirely the way I want it to be. And separate bedrooms of course doesn't mean the couple doesn't have sex. Don't couples have sex even when they live apart from one another?